


i found.

by porcelainsimplicity



Category: X-Men (2000), X-Men (Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom, X2: X-Men United (2002)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Do we even know what canon is anymore after Days of Future Past?, Empire State University, F/M, I said Canon Divergence already, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, No I don't care, Post-Canon, Recreational Drug Use, Yes I realize Jubilee is going to be in Apocalypse, more tags to be added later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-03-20 08:28:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3643536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porcelainsimplicity/pseuds/porcelainsimplicity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I found love where it wasn't supposed to be<br/>Right in front of me<br/>Talk some sense to me</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. school's out forever

**Author's Note:**

> alright folks, this isn't a canon piece, it isn't a fix it, it's a what if. dofp erased everything we ever knew as canon, basically, and so i'm imagining what could have happened. no alkali lake, no going with magneto, no alcatraz. just my imagination wondering what if. i hope you like it.

I found love where it wasn't supposed to be  
Right in front of me  
Talk some sense to me  
I found love where it wasn't supposed to be  
Right in front of me  
Talk some sense to me  
_i found _by amber run__  


The bells rang out through the halls, and a classroom door opened, two teenage boys walking out of it together. One of them waited until they had taken a few steps before flicking his Zippo and bringing a ball of fire into his hand, letting it swirl around his fingers. The other just rolled his eyes and brought his hand over the one with the flames, freezing them instantly. The ice went crashing to the ground and shattered, and several students around them jumped. The two boys just looked at each other and laughed before taking off running. They both knew they weren't supposed to use their powers in the hallways, but it was Friday afternoon and school was over and neither of them really cared about getting caught.

They ran up the stairs and down the halls until they got to their room, closing and locking the door before bursting out into hysterical laughter.

“Did you see how they jumped?” 

“I think the whole hallway did!”

They slung their bags down on their respective beds and the one who controlled ice collapsed onto it, while the one who controlled fire made his way to the window, cracking it open and reaching for his pocket. “Hey, Bobby, you want one?”

“I promised Kitty I'd quit smoking,” Bobby said, shrugging. “Sorry, Johnny.”

John just rolled his eyes and lit up. “What the fuck did you promise Kitty that for?”

“She doesn't like to sit next to me in class while I smell of cigarette smoke.”

“Get the fuck over here. You won't ever sit next to her in class again.”

Bobby sat up and considered it for a moment before standing and walking over to where John was. “You know, one of these days, we're going to get caught.”

“The Professor already knows,” John said, tapping ashes out of the window before bringing his cigarette up for another drag. “He said as long as we don't burn anything then we can do what we want. Besides, with our combined powers, we're never going to burn anything.”

Bobby grabbed the pack of cigarettes in John's hand and tapped himself out one, bringing it up to his lips. “Little help here?” John flicked his Zippo and Bobby's cigarette lit, and Bobby took a long inhale before pulling it away. “Thanks.”

“That's what I'm here for,” John said, looking out over the grounds. “So, we on for tomorrow's adventure? Or are you going to act like you have a conscience again?”

“I'm fine with going into town,” Bobby said, taking another drag of his cigarette. “I am not sure searching out a drug dealer for some weed is a good idea.”

“We're not searching out a drug dealer,” John said, shaking his head as he brought the cigarette to his lips. “I know exactly where to find him, and he's expecting us.”

“He's expecting us? How the fuck does he know that we're coming?”

“It's called a text message, Drake,” John said sarcastically. “He's got my order ready and everything, and since you said you'd go halves with me, I'm taking you with me to get it.”

Bobby sucked in another inhale of smoke before blowing it out towards the open window. “I said I wanted to try it. You're the one who said I had to go halves to do that.”

“Yeah, because you try it, and you'll like it, and then you're going to want more, and my dealer is only up here once a month,” John said, tapping more ashes out the window. “Honestly, we've been through this about a hundred times.”

The door rattled and they heard a loud sigh. “Bobby! John! Unlock the door!”

“Go the fuck away!” John yelled, but Bobby put out his cigarette and made his way to the door, opening it to find Kitty, Rogue, and Jubilee all standing there.

“Can I help you ladies?”

Kitty and Jubilee pushed their way into the room and started to complain about the cigarette smoke while Rogue carefully walked around Bobby, shyly saying hello. 

John rolled his eyes. “Honestly, for people here to give me money to buy them some weed, you two sure have a problem with the smell of smoke.”

Bobby quickly closed the door. “What?”

“Oh come on,” Kitty said. “We heard you're trying it, and if you're trying it, then we all have to try it.”

“Call it a graduation surprise,” Jubilee said, bounding over to John and pulling the cigarette from his lips. “Stop smoking, Johnny.”

“Fine, fine,” John said, throwing his cigarette out the window before closing it. “You ladies bring your cash?”

“Of course,” Kitty said, handing John an envelope. “It's all there. All three of our shares.”

Bobby looked over at Rogue. “All three of you?”

“We told her she has to live a little before we all head out to Empire for the next stage of our educational lives,” Jubilee said, pulling John away from the window and collapsing down on his bed. “Piotr said we're going to love Empire State. He loves it.”

“Piotr loves anything American,” John said, sitting down next to Jubilee and opening the envelope, counting the money inside. “Any of you lovely ladies want to accompany Bobby and I to get the weed tomorrow?”

“No,” they all said at once, and then Kitty and Jubilee burst out laughing. 

“Actually, Rogue said she wanted to go,” Kitty said, looking over at her. “Isn't that right?”

“I thought it would be an experience,” Rogue said, looking over at Bobby. “Just so long as Logan doesn't find out.”

John rolled his eyes again. “Stop worrying what that old man thinks of you and start having some fun, Marie.”

“I'm tryin' to,” Rogue said, sitting down on Bobby's bed. “And don't call me Marie.”

Bobby sat down next to Rogue and smiled at her. “He's just trying to be friendly.”

“Yeah, well, I told you all that I don't want to be called that,” Rogue said. “I never should have told you that was my name to begin with.”

“Hey, we all got names, Rogue,” John said, slinging his arm around Jubilee. “Even if they're as strange as Jubilation.”

“Oh shut up, Saint,” Jubilee countered back, elbowing John in the ribs. “Saint John Allerdyce. That has to be the most ironic name ever. You're everything but a saint.”

John just laughed. “Blame my idiot parents for that one. So glad they're out of my life.”

“Do you ever miss 'em?” Rogue asked, and the room fell silent.

John stared at her for a moment before shaking his head. “The shit they did to me after I manifested? No fucking way do I miss them.”

“But I mean like before you manifested. Do you miss them then?”

John forced himself to take a deep breath. “My father was a drunk who was shagging his secretary and liked to come home and try and strangle my mom and throw me down stairs. And it only got worse once I manifested. So no, I don't fucking miss them. And never ask me about them again.”

The room stayed silent until John stood up and reached for his leather jacket. “Fuck this room. Let's get out of this building and go down to the old shack by the creek. I might have some still stashed there.”

John opened the door and walked out of the room, leaving the rest of them sitting there staring after him. 

“I am so surprised he answered that,” Kitty finally said, looking over at Rogue. “Honey, Johnny never ever talks about his past. Like, I've never heard that shit before.”

Bobby stood up and grabbed Rogue's hand. “We better go after him. God only knows what he's got stashed in that shack, or what he's going to go set fire to now.”

They all left the room and after Bobby made sure that it was shut and locked, they made their way to the elevator. Soon they were outside and following the path through the woods that would take them to the old shack. Kitty and Jubilee were talking animatedly about something from one of Storm's classes, but Rogue was quiet, her arms wrapped around her stomach, as she walked next to Bobby.

“You don't think he's going to hate me now, do you?” she finally asked softly, and Bobby reached out and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“No, he's not going to hate you,” Bobby said. “He just is very sensitive when it comes to that stuff, and the last thing Johnny wants to admit to anyone is that he is anything but unflappable. He's Mr. Calm, Cool, and Collected. He doesn't get bothered by things. Except for the fact that he does, and he doesn't deal with them. It's all just building up inside of him and I'm really afraid of what's going to happen when he finally breaks down.”

“Shit,” Jubilee said, interrupting their conversation. “The shack's on fire.”

They all looked up and started running towards the shack, Bobby reaching out and freezing the flames as soon as he was close enough. “Johnny!”

“Over here,” came John's voice, and they found him lying down by the creek, throwing stones into the water. “Why'd you put out the fire?”

“Why did you set the fire?” Kitty asked, going down and sitting next to him. “Are you alright, Johnny?”

“Fine,” he said. “What else would I be?”

“Johnny,” Kitty said, but John just shook his head. 

“I'm perfectly fine, Kit Kat. And I started the fire because I wanted to set something on fire. The shack just happened to be there.”

Bobby let go of Rogue and walked into the now-frozen shack, looking around. He saw a bunch of lighters scattered across the floor, old gardening equipment against one wall, and a makeshift desk on the other side, piles of notebooks sitting on it. Bobby walked over to it and picked one up, flipping through the pages to find them all written on. He looked through a few more, finding them all written in as well, before he took a couple and walked back outside. “Johnny, what's all this? There's got to be twenty or thirty notebooks in here.”

John reached into his pocket and pulled out a plastic bag, plucking a joint from within it and bringing it up to his lips. “That's a bunch of shit.” He flicked his Zippo and lit the joint before passing the bag to Kitty. “No time like the present to try it, ladies.”

Bobby opened one of the notebooks and began to read while John closed his eyes and let the marijuana flow over him like a wave. Bobby closed the notebook after a few minutes and looked down at where John was laying. “Johnny, this stuff is really good.”

“No it's not,” John said, pulling the joint away from his lips. “It's just ridiculous thoughts of a ridiculous man who once had dreams of being normal until the world decided that he never could be. Want a joint?”

Kitty had taken one out of the bag and examined it while passing the bag to Jubilee, who had come to sit down next to her. Jubilee took one out of the bag before tossing it to Rogue, then reached over and poked John in the leg. “Light?”

John flicked his Zippo and then suddenly both their joints were lit. Kitty brought hers to her mouth carefully, sucking in as little as possible for a first try, but Jubilee took a long drag, looking over at Rogue. “Come on, Rogue. We're going to have a lot of this for the three of us to share starting tomorrow. Better get used to it now.”

“You too Iceman,” John called out. “You're going halves with me, Drake. That means you're smoking half of it whether you like it or not.”

Bobby went back into the shack and set the notebooks down before walking over to Rogue and sitting them both down on an old log. He took the bag out of her hands and pulled them each out a joint, handing one to her while putting the other between his lips. He tossed the bag back at John. “Light?”

John flicked his Zippo again and their joints were lit. Bobby inhaled sharply while Rogue brought it to her lips like she'd been smoking her whole life, taking a nice long drag off of it before pulling it away and blowing out smoke. “Good shit, Johnny.”

“How the hell would you know?” John asked, taking another drag on his.

“I've smoked it before.”

Everyone's eyes turned to Rogue, who just shrugged. “There's not much to do in Caldecott. Everybody's tried somethin' there. The boyfriend, the one I put in the coma, we used to go out into the woods and smoke everyday after school before my mama would be home. I had to be at home when Mama got home, and he'd come with me and say we were studin', which we were until I almost killed him. But we'd always go have a smoke first.”

“Rogue, you bad girl,” John exclaimed, laughing. “And you two thought she needed to live a little before fucking college.”

“Were you ever going to tell us?” Jubilee asked.

“Yeah,” Rogue said, bringing the joint to her lips for another hit. “I was gonna tell you I knew how to roll 'em so we didn't need Johnny every time we wanted to smoke.”

Kitty burst out laughing. “God, here we are treating you like you're so innocent, and you're anything but, aren't you?”

“No, I am,” Rogue said. “Just not about this.”

Bobby took another hit and started coughing, making John hold up his hand. “Inhale slowly, Drake. Like a cigarette. The only difference is what's inside it. And quite honestly, these are better for your health than the cigarettes we smoke.”

“That's probably true,” Kitty said, stretching out next to John. “I feel lightheaded.”

John looked over at Kitty's joint and saw how small it was. “You're smoking it too fast, Kit Kat. Ease up.”

“Okay,” Kitty said, bringing it back to her lips. “I like it though.”

“Don't worry, tomorrow there will be plenty more where that came from,” John said, looking over at Jubilee. “Jubes, you alright?”

“Absolutely,” Jubilee said, laying down next to Kitty. “Shit, why the fuck didn't we do this before?”

“Because we were so worried the Professor would find out and kick us out of school,” Kitty said.

John just laughed. “If you think the Professor doesn't know what I do down here at this old shack, you're kidding yourselves. He is well aware of what we're doing right now. The difference between the Professor and those assholes we call parents is that the Professor lets us make our own choices, our own mistakes, and doesn't interfere with them. Not that weed is a mistake. No, weed is a glorious thing.”

Bobby took another hit as Rogue's head came to rest on his shoulder. “You're sure the Professor knows about this?”

“Trust me on that one, okay?”

John didn't say it, but Bobby was pretty sure that meant that John and the Professor had spoken about it before. “So what are you going to do with the notebooks?”

“Burn them.”

“Johnny, don't do that,” Kitty said. “Bobby said the stuff was good.”

“And Bobby is suddenly a literary critic? He barely passed Jean's English class last year.”

“Johnny! We're supposed to call her Dr. Grey,” Kitty exclaimed.

“You can call her Dr. Grey all you want. I got a piece of paper today that says I've met all the requirements for graduation. To me, she's no longer Dr. Grey. If you want to be treated like an adult, Kitty, you've got to act like an adult.”

“Says the one that has us lying on the ground next to the creek smoking marijuana,” Jubilee said. “But, well, he is technically right. We don't have to call her Dr. Grey anymore. She did say at the end of my class today when I was talking to her that I could call her Jean from now on.”

Rogue coughed a little before putting out the stub of her joint against the log. “Johnny, you mind if I have another?”

“Have as many as you want, Rogue,” John said, looking over at her. “Just watch Drake, okay? He seems to have forgotten how to smoke properly.”

“Oh fuck off, Johnny,” Bobby said, picking up a rock and throwing it at him.

John just laughed when it landed on his chest and picked it up, throwing it into the creek. “Hey, how about after graduation, we skip the sure to be boring party with all the other seniors and their parents and we come down here. We can smoke a little, Bobby can freeze the creek so we can ice skate, and to celebrate, I will light that fucking shack on fire, and we will stay here until it's burned to the ground with everything inside of it.”

“Sounds great, Johnny,” Jubilee said. “But you have to agree to one thing.”

“What?”

“You let Bobby take all those notebooks out of there before you burn it down.”

“Yeah, Johnny, that's a lot of work that you've put in to those,” Kitty said. “You shouldn't just burn them all.”

Bobby blew out some smoke before looking over at John. “I'll keep them. You don't have to keep them. But you shouldn't burn them, Johnny.”

“I agree,” Rogue said as she fished another joint out of the bag. “Light?”

After flicking his Zippo to light Rogue's joint, John sighed heavily and looked over at the creek for a few minutes. “Fine, Bobby can have the fucking notebooks. Will that make everyone happy?”

“Yes,” they all said.

John just closed his eyes and brought his joint back to his lips. “Fine. But once he has those notebooks, I never want to hear about them again.”

“You won't,” Bobby said. “I promise.”

“Good.” John opened his eyes and noticed that it was starting to get dark. “Shall I light us a fire so we can stay out here longer? I know I'm not ready to go back inside yet. I'm not even done with this joint, and I'm definitely having another.”

“Sounds great, Johnny,” Kitty said, her voice totally mellowed out. “Light away.”

John looked around and saw the mound of sticks he usually used, and he used the fire from the end of everyone's joints to make it light up. “Nothing says the end of school quite like hanging out with your friends and getting high.”

“You're really sure that no one is going to have a problem with us doing this?” Jubilee asked one more time.

“Jubes, to be honest with you, I don't give a fuck who has a problem with it,” John said, taking another hit. “I am no longer a student of theirs. They can fuck off."


	2. moving into the dorms at empire state.

Bobby pushed the dresser drawer shut and looked around. “I think that's everything.”

“We're done?” John asked.

“We're done.”

“Thank fuck,” John said, collapsing down onto the bed they'd decided would be his. “I am fucking exhausted.”

“Moving into a dorm room takes a lot of effort,” Bobby said, walking over to his bed and sitting down on it, looking through the messages on his phone. “The girls want to know if we're still on for tonight.”

John looked over at Bobby. “Remind me what tonight is supposed to be?”

“Gathering at Piotr's new apartment,” Bobby said. “He invited all of us over for dinner and drinks and stuff.”

John sighed. “Right. That's fine. Piotr's cool and he won't mind if I smoke.”

Bobby swallowed hard. “You're smoking more and more.”

“Because I need to be fucking mellowed out,” John said. “I don't expect you to understand, Drake.”

“I know that coming back to the city was hard for you,” Bobby said. “I know that being here is still hard for you. I'm just saying you could talk to someone about it instead of just smoking more weed.”

“And who the fuck am I supposed to talk to, Drake? A fucking shrink?”

“I was thinking me,” Bobby said softly. “Never mind.”

John stared at Bobby for a moment before forcing himself off of his bed and over to Bobby's. He collapsed down next to him and slung his arm over Bobby's shoulders. “Bobby, I appreciate it, I really do. But you don't want to know my shit, okay? No one should have to know the things I know.”

“I just want to help,” Bobby said, looking over at him. “Johnny, we're all worried about you.”

“No one should be worried about me,” John said, standing up and heading towards the closet, stripping off his shirt on the way there. “I'm perfectly fine.”

“Except for the fact that you aren't,” Bobby said, eyes roaming John's back. “You're still not going to tell me how you got that scar, are you?”

John reached around himself and let his fingers dance over the scar tissue that formed a jagged line along the right side of his lower back. “A knife,” he said softly. “It was a knife.”

Bobby swallowed hard. “Were you in a fight with someone?”

“No,” John said softly. “I was...”

Bobby stood up and walked over to John, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You can tell me these things, Johnny. I won't tell anyone, I swear.”

John opened the closet door and started flipping through the shirts that hung there before abruptly stopping and putting his head down. “My father was drunk and was going after my mother with a knife, screaming about how he was going to kill her. I threw myself in the way. I was ten.”

Bobby's hand on John's shoulder tightened, and he turned John around, wrapping him up in a hug. John silently buried his face into Bobby's neck and stayed there for a long time, Bobby running a comforting hand up and down his arm. When he felt like he could breathe again, John pulled away, expecting to see pity on Bobby's face, because that's what had happened with the one teacher at the mansion that he'd felt he could confide in years ago. He'd hated Storm ever since.

But there wasn't pity in Bobby's eyes. There was concern and sorrow and something else that John had begun to notice but couldn't yet identify. He swallowed hard and turned back to the closet, flipping through the shirts again. “Please don't tell anyone that. Please.”

“I swore to you that I wouldn't. I meant it,” Bobby said, keeping his hand on John's arm as he searched through the closet. “Johnny, I...”

“You don't have to say anything,” John said softly. “There isn't anything to say.”

“I feel like I should.”

“And I'm telling you not to,” John said, looking behind him at Bobby. “I know how this goes. You try to find the right words but you can't, and so you end up saying something you don't really mean, and I get annoyed, and then it eventually turns into an argument, which turns in to a real fight, and then I turn into my father. So please, don't say anything.”

Bobby just nodded and John turned back to the closet, eventually pulling out a shirt that was a little dressier than just a regular old t-shirt. “Come on, Bobby. Let's get ready for the night at Piotr's. The girls could be here any minute.”

John pulled away from Bobby and walked around him towards the other side of the room, but Bobby stayed there for a minute, letting John's words sink in. “We've got fifteen minutes, at least,” he eventually said. “Plenty of time to change our shirts.”

“Yeah, but the girls always show up early,” John said, looking over at where Bobby was standing. “If you don't start moving, Drake, I'm going to regret the fact that I told you that. Hell, I already do.”

Bobby closed John's side of the closet and reached for his, his eyes immediately falling on the shirt he wanted to wear, pulling it out. “Don't regret it. Please.”

Bobby walked back over to his bed and sat down, peeling the t-shirt he was wearing off and putting the ice blue button-down on, slowly doing up the buttons. “My father smacked me and my younger brother around,” he said after a minute. “Nothing like what you went through, but I understand a bit.”

John stood up and went over to the mirror, running his hands through his hair. “I'm sorry you had to go through that.”

“And I'm sorry for what you had to go through.” Bobby stood up and went to stand next to John in front of the mirror, fingers going up to his hair to make sure it was alright. 

John laughed when he took a look at them, Bobby in ice blue, John in fiery red. “We don't dress like our mutations,” he said. “Not at all.”

Bobby laughed. “The Professor always did say our mutations reflected our personalities. Maybe he was right.”

“Of course he was right. He's the fucking Professor.” John slung an arm around Bobby's shoulders and smiled. “I'm not at all pleased about the fact that I have to start taking classes again, but if I have to, it's good to be doing it with you, Drake.”

Bobby smiled as there was a knock at the door, Kitty's voice drifting into the room. “We're a team, Allerdyce. Don't you ever forget it.”

“I won't,” John said as the knocking turned into pounding. “For fuck's sake, Kit Kat, let me get to the door!”

John left Bobby and headed for the door, and Bobby ran his hands through his hair one more time. He knew now more than ever that John was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode from all the anger and pain he carried inside him. He just didn't have any idea what to do when it happened, or how to piece John back together once it did.

He turned around as he heard the sound of high heels clicking against the tiled floor and smiled at Jubilee. “You look great, Jubes.”

Jubilee looked down at her yellow dress and smiled. “Thanks, Bobby. You two ready to go?”

“Will be in ten seconds,” John said, walking over to his bed and lifting up the mattress, grabbing his stash of weed and shoving it into one of the back pockets of his jeans. “Alright, ladies, lead the way. I don't have a fucking clue where Piotr lives.”

“It's like two train stops from here,” Kitty said, leading the group out the door. “I went over there earlier because I was done unpacking and Piotr said I should.”

Rogue and Jubilee followed her out the door, and John grabbed Bobby's elbow. “Hundred bucks says Kitty and Piotr are hooking up by the end of the semester.”

Bobby looked over at him and laughed. “Two hundred says they already are.”

John grinned at him. “Deal.”

Rogue appeared in the doorway, and Bobby smiled at her, taking in her long sleeved, floor length dress. “You two comin'?”

“Of course,” John said, pulling Bobby by the elbow towards the door. “Bobby just needed to get the keys.”

Bobby reached into his pocket and pulled them out. “Yep. Come on, let's get this room locked up and over to Piotr's. I need a drink, and I think Johnny's going to die if he doesn't get a smoke soon.”

John's laughter echoed down the hallway as Bobby locked the door. “You know me too well, Drake. Entirely too well.”

Bobby just grinned. “That's what you get for living with someone every single day for six years. And you're not done with me yet.”

John messed up Bobby's hair as he laughed. “I'm never going to be done with you, Drake.”

Bobby's hands went to his hair as John walked up to Rogue and linked his arm with hers, talking to her about one of their shared classes. He trailed along behind them, watching John carefully.

He wasn't sure what John's words meant, but he knew that he liked the idea of them never being done with one another.


	3. first semester's in full swing

John collapsed down underneath the tree next to Bobby, fishing into his pocket and handing him two hundred dollars. Bobby stared at it for a moment. “What's this?”

“You won.”

“I won what?”

“The bet, Drake. You won the bet.”

Bobby stared at the cash for another moment before realization popped into his mind. “Where did you see them?”

“I was walking back to the train station after work this morning and I saw them making out next to Piotr's car,” John said, slinging his backpack in front of him and unzipping it. “They didn't notice me, so no talking about it until they bring it up.”

“Bring what up?” Jubilee said, laying down on the grass next to John. “Oh, wait, is this about Kitty and Piotr?”

“You know about that?” Bobby asked, shoving the cash into his pocket.

“Of course I know about that,” Jubilee said, rolling her eyes. “Kitty was like devastated when Piotr left the mansion for here, and Rogue and I totally knew what was going on between them. Besides, every weekend she had the cash to do it, she'd find a way to get down here to visit him. She certainly wasn't visiting her family like she said she was. I mean, seriously, why she thought she could lie about going to Illinois every other weekend was beyond me.”

John laughed. “Kitty and Piotr. God, I totally should have figured that out at the mansion.”

“I'm not surprised you didn't,” Jubilee said, shifting around so her head was resting on John's leg. “They were really, really discreet about it. The Professor knew, of course, and Kitty said she told Jean about it, but other than that, everyone else in the mansion was clueless. Except for me and Rogue. Little hard to hide that from her roommates.”

John reached into his backpack and pulled out a notebook and a couple of joints. “Anyone want a smoke?”

“No thank you,” Bobby said, trying to figure out the calculus problem in front of him without using his calculator. 

“Sure Johnny,” Jubilee said, and John handed her one of the joints before flicking his Zippo to light them both.

“You never smoke with us anymore, Drake. What's with that?” John said, taking a long hit. “You said you liked it.”

“I do like it,” Bobby said, looking over at them. “I just don't want to be smoking while I'm doing my homework.”

“Ah, Bobby Drake, the perfect student,” John laughed. “Well, perfect if you don't count English. You suck at English. Which I find absolutely astounding, by the way. English is like the easiest subject there is.”

“Is that why you're an English major then?” Jubilee asked, blowing out smoke. “Or is that because you wrote so much in those notebooks?”

“I believe I said Bobby could keep that shit so long as I never had to hear about it again,” John said, sighing. “I'm an English major because I like English. That's it.”

Jubilee and Bobby exchanged a look, and John groaned. “Why doesn't anyone ever believe what I'm saying?”

“Because we all know when you're lying?” Jubilee said. “Come on, Johnny. You almost always have a book shoved into your back pocket, and Bobby said that every single one of those notebooks was full of stories you wrote. Now out with it before I steal all your weed.”

John looked over at Bobby, who was studying his calculus homework again. “You read them, Drake?”

Bobby didn't answer, so John reached out and pulled the book from his hands. “You motherfucking read those notebooks?”

“What did you expect me to do, Johnny?” Bobby exclaimed. “Take possession of them and then never open them? Of course I read them. They were amazing. I wish you'd write more. I wish you'd let me let the girls read them.”

John took a long hit of his joint before tossing Bobby's book out in front of them. “I didn't want anyone to read that shit.”

“It wasn't shit.”

“It was personal.”

“I know,” Bobby said. “But if it was so personal you didn't want someone to read it, then you never should have agreed to let me have them.”

“Johnny, you wouldn't have sat in that shack and wrote all those stories if they didn't mean something to you,” Jubilee murmured. “I think you're glad that we saved them, and I think you're glad that someone read them and thinks that they're good.”

“Fuck off, Jubes,” John said angrily. “You don't know the first fucking thing about me and those notebooks.”

“Then why don't you tell us?” she said softly, and it was like her words took all the fight out of John's body.

He slumped down against the tree and took a long hit off his joint. “Writing is my way of dealing with shit, okay? I can't deal with something, so I make up a story and have the character deal with it for me. But I'm done with that shit. It didn't fucking work.”

Bobby reached out and grabbed John's hand, squeezing it lightly. “Johnny, don't quit writing just because you think it isn't working. Find another way to deal with stuff. I've already told you, you can talk to me about anything. I won't tell a soul, I swear.”

“And you can talk to me about stuff too,” Jubilee said. “I mean, it's not like I came from the greatest of situations either.”

John laughed slightly. “Your situation sounds like heaven compared to mine.”

“Well, I wouldn't know that, because you never talk to anyone about it,” Jubilee said. “Everyone's got shit to deal with, Johnny. The rest of us have just figured out that talking about it helps more than anything.”

“Yeah, well, I don't want to turn you all into fucking shrinks.”

“We're not shrinks, Johnny,” Bobby said. “We're your friends. This is what friends do for each other.”

John polished off his joint, sticking the stub of it in the plastic bag and pulling out another. He used the fire on the end of Jubilee's to light his own, and then he sighed heavily. “You guys are the first real friends I've ever had.”

“We know,” Jubilee said, her voice mellowed out. “I think we're the first real friends we've all had.”

“You don't have to say that just because I did.”

“I'm not! I mean, think about it, Johnny. We all manifested fairly early in our lives. The only one of us whose parents didn't freak is Kitty, and she's the only one of us to this day that can actually go home. For the rest of us, the mansion is home. No one I knew wanted to talk to me when they realized I was a mutant. I was completely ostracized. Then I showed up at the mansion and no one thought I was strange or dangerous or anything like that. You guys just accepted me as I am.”

“That's because you're cooler than fuck, Jubes,” John murmured.

“Thanks, Johnny,” Jubilee said. “My point is that the only friends I've ever made that I'm going to have for the rest of my life is our little group. You guys are the only ones who have ever understood me without me having to say a word. And that fucking means a lot to me.”

“We love you too, Jubes,” Bobby said, reaching out and pulling the joint from between John's lips and settling it between his own. “I think I need a smoke if we're going to continue down this vein of conversation.”

John reached into his bag and pulled out another joint, lighting it quickly. “I thought you told your parents you were going to college, Bobby.”

“I did.”

“And what did they say?”

“That they hoped I wasn't expecting them to pay for it,” Bobby said, leaning his head back against the tree as he blew out smoke. “I'd already talked to the Professor about that, but the main reason I told them at all was because I knew I was legally entitled to my portion of my grandmother's estate, whether they wanted to give it to me or not. The Professor very calmly explained to them that if I wasn't given the money that I was entitled to, he'd send the school's lawyers after it on my behalf. 

“That got them to shut the fuck up and give me my money. I was going to use it to pay for college, but since the Professor had already said he was taking care of that, he just helped me find a smart place to put it so that when I'm done with college and I need money for like a place to live and maybe a car and some new clothes for a job, stuff like that, that I would still have it.”

“That's great, Bobby,” Jubilee said. “The Professor's great about that stuff. He helped Siryn get that money that her aunt left her. We went on an awesome shopping spree after that. She barely had anything when she showed up at the mansion.”

“We owe him so much,” Bobby said, turning to look at John when he made a noise. “What? We do.”

“I'm not saying we don't,” John said seriously. “I'm just saying there is a trade off. He pays for all of us to go to college, but you know he expects us to come back to the mansion and be like professors and shit after we're done. Not to mention the fact that we already are going back there every summer for tactical training sessions. Storm, Scott, Jean, Logan, they're the old generation. We're the new generation. He's been grooming us for that since the moment he realized how close we all were. You know as well as I do that while there were friendships at the mansion, no one else's comes close to our group's.”

“Is becoming professors and X-Men that bad of a future?” Jubilee asked as she finished her joint. “It's a hell of lot more promising that I ever thought mine would be.”

“I've always wanted to go on missions with them ever since I found out that's what they did,” Bobby said. “To be a member of the X-Men would be such an honor. There's only ever been a select few with that privilege.”

“So you two have absolutely no problem with the fact that the Professor has decided he has our entire future figured out?” John just rolled his eyes. “I don't want to be a fucking professor.”

“Then what do you want to be?” Jubilee asked.

John sat there for a moment before zipping up his backpack and scrambling up so he was standing, murmuring an apology to Jubilee when her head went crashing to the ground. He stood there for a second before turning and walking away from them. 

“Johnny, you didn't answer my question!” Jubilee yelled. “What do you want to be?”

John didn't stop walking away, and Bobby was about to tell Jubilee to let it go when John suddenly stopped and turned to them.

“A novelist. I want to write fucking books for a living. Go ahead and laugh now.”

Bobby shook his head as Jubilee sat up, a huge grin on her face.

“No one's going to laugh at you, Johnny,” she called out. “I think that's a great idea. Bobby says you're a very talented writer.”

“Yeah, about that,” John said, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “She can read the notebooks. But you can't say a word about what's in them to anyone, Jubes! Not even Kitty and Rogue.”

“I won't, I promise,” Jubilee said, and then John was turning and walking away from them.

Bobby leaned forward and grabbed his book from where John had tossed it, trying to find the page with the problems he was supposed to be working on again. Jubilee laid there and stared up at the tree, until she suddenly turned to Bobby.

“I think that was a major breakthrough,” she said. “What do you think?”

“I think I'm going to go back to my room to find Johnny on the bed wearing hardly any clothes, the smell of weed in the air, and a mirror with a couple of white lines on it.”

Jubilee fell quiet for a moment. “He's doing cocaine now?”

“Has been for awhile,” Bobby said. “Started it before graduation.”

“Fuck,” Jubilee said. “What do we do, stage an intervention?”

“I think that wouldn't help the situation at all,” Bobby said. “The only thing we can do now is be there for Johnny when he finally breaks down. And I think that day is edging closer and closer.”

Jubilee laid back down and took a deep breath. “I'm afraid of what the breakdown is going to be like.”

“You're not the only one, Jubes.”


	4. mid-september.

John glanced up when Rogue walked into the room he shared with Bobby. “You lost, Rogue? This isn't your room.”

“I was lookin' for you, Johnny,” Rogue said, walking over to his bed and sitting down on the edge. “I got to talk to someone about somethin', but I don't want it to be the girls.”

His curiosity piqued, John set down the novel he was supposed to be reading for his British Literature class and looked at her. “Bobby won't be back from class for another hour.”

“Good,” Rogue said, standing up and walking over to the mirror. “I want ya to be completely honest with me, Johnny. Knowin' what you know about my mutation, would you date me?”

“Fuck your mutation. Knowing what I know about you as a person, yes,” John said. “If only you were my type though.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know I ain't got the right parts for ya,” Rogue said, taking a deep breath before turning around to face him. “You remember the guy in our Literature of the South class that's always wearin' that long leather duster?”

“Of course,” John said, looking at her until realization dawned. “Did you get asked out by him?”

Rogue wrapped her arms around her stomach and went to sit down on Bobby's bed. “His name's Remy, he's from New Orleans, he has a Cajun accent to die for, and I'm crushin' like I'm a fourteen-year-old girl. He knows about my mutation, and for some reason, he still wants to take me to dinner.”

John sat up and went over to where Rogue was sitting, wrapping an arm around her waist and pressing a kiss to her hair. “Rogue, you're a great girl. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“What if I kill him?” Rogue said quietly. “I mean, seriously Johnny, what if I kill him?”

“Rogue, I think he's asking about dinner, not a deadly makeout session.” Rogue turned to look at John and he smiled at her. “Look, unless you want to spend the rest of your life alone, then you're going to have to date someone sometime. Go have dinner with him. If he tries anything with you, kick him in the balls and walk away.”

“You know, if you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, you really should just tell him.”

“Why are we talking about me?” John asked, standing up and walking back to his bed. “We're talking about you.”

“Fine, I'll have dinner with him,” Rogue said. “Now, let's talk about you.”

John sighed heavily and picked up his book. “He doesn't feel that way about me.”

“How the fuck do you know that? You've never even come close to approachin' the subject with him.”

“He's looking for a wife, Rogue,” John said, turning a page. “He isn't looking for me.”

“I think he doesn't know what he's lookin' for,” Rogue said, leaning back on Bobby's bed. “If there is one thing that Bobby Drake is right now, it's confused.”

John paused and looked over at her. “What are you talking about?”

“I can't tell you,” Rogue said. “Let's just say we had an awfully long talk the other day. That boy is six ways from Sunday on what it is he wants. He's not even sure he's studyin' the right degree here, let alone about wantin' a wife.”

John set the book down and reached towards his bedside table, opening up the drawer and pulling out a plastic bag. “You want some? I can't have this conversation sober.”

“Johnny, you can't have anything sober,” Rogue said, standing up and walking across the room to John's bed, sitting down on it. “But if you're going to smoke, I'll smoke with ya.”

John quickly fished them each out a joint and then flicked his Zippo, lighting them both. “You know what I really want to have when we're all X-Men? Flame throwers. It would be so much more practical than flicking this fucking Zippo every time I need a spark.”

“Stop trying to change the subject,” Rogue said, smacking him on the chest. “We ain't X-Men yet, and if you don't get your shit together and talk to people, you ain't never gonna be one.”

John took a long hit before pulling the joint away. “Why does everyone want me to talk to people? Talking to people does jack shit for me.”

“Because you're holdin' everything inside, Johnny. One of these days, you're gonna burst.”

John laid there on the bed and smoked for a couple of minutes before sighing. “The Professor says that to me a lot.”

“Because it's true,” Rogue said, bringing the joint to her lips. “And I think a good place to start would be tellin' Bobby the truth.”

“He's the best friend I've ever had,” John said quietly. “I don't want to ruin that.”

“Johnny, you've got to tell him at some point. You can't just keep it inside ya forever. Besides, you keep actin' like you know how he's goin' to respond, and I am tellin' ya now, you don't have a fuckin' clue how he's goin' to respond. And you're never gonna know if you don't tell him.”

John closed his eyes and took a long hit. “I still want to know how you figured it out.”

“I'm the quiet one,” Rogue said softly. “That don't mean I don't notice things.”

“Well, what did you notice?”

Rogue shrugged. “The way your eyes would linger on him even when the conversation switched to someone else. The way he had your complete attention when he was talkin'. The way you'd watch him durin' Storm's class, right after I got there. Besides, I know it wasn't me you were showin' off for those first few weeks. Kitty told me you did that shit all the time. I think it was to show off for him.”

“You are too perceptive for your own good, you know that?” John said after a minute. “Fuck, was I that obvious?”

“The girls ain't noticed nothin'. I wouldn't say that no one else has noticed it though.”

John opened his eyes and looked over at Rogue. “He's noticed?”

“He knows you treat him differently than everybody else. It's just that now we're around Piotr more, he's startin' to realize you treat him differently than Piotr too.”

“Fuck.”

Rogue reached out and took John's free hand into her gloved one. “Listen to me, Johnny. You're one of the best friends he's ever had. But I think if you both took a good look at your relationship, you'd realize you both passed the being friends point a long time ago. You already know you have. I think he's startin' to realize he has too.”

“Don't say shit like that,” John snapped. “Don't get my fucking hopes up.”

“I'm not tryin' to get your hopes up. I'm tryin' to get you to talk to Bobby.”

“I talk to Bobby all the time,” John said, blowing out smoke. “You're trying to get me to confess to Bobby, which is not happening.”

“Johnny,” Rogue said, exasperated. “Have you been listenin' to a word I've been sayin'? 

“I really think you should go on this date,” John said, shifting onto his side and reaching for the bedside table again. “Now get the fuck out of here unless you want to do some coke with me.”

Rogue reached out and stopped John's hand before it could come out of the open drawer. “You are not doin' that anymore.”

“Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?” John said angrily.

“Someone who fuckin' cares about you!” Rogue yelled back. “Put the fuckin' cocaine down and face shit like a man for once in your fuckin' life!”

Rogue pried the small glass vial out of John's hand and threw it across the room. John stared at her for a moment before curling into a ball on the bed. “Get the fuck out.”

“No.”

“I said get the fuck out.”

“And I said no,” Rogue said, shifting around on the bed so she could see John's face. “Johnny, you've gotta let it out, not cover it up.”

“I'm so fucking glad that everyone and their brother seems to know what's fucking best for me,” John said bitterly.

“I don't know about everyone and their brother, but I do know about the Professor. And Jean. And Scott. And Storm. And Logan. And every single one of us that considers you a friend.”

“Fuck Storm.”

Rogue leaned forward and pressed a kiss to John's hair. “You can't hate her forever.”

“I don't want anybody's pity. That's all she gave me. She was my favorite fuckin' teacher, and all she did was pity me.”

Rogue sighed. “Johnny, just because that conversation didn't go the way you wanted it to doesn't mean that all conversations are goin' to go like that.”

“I said some stuff to Bobby, first day we were here. He didn't pity me.”

“Which is all the more reason that you should be doin' a lot of talkin' to him about a lot of shit, Johnny. The good and the bad and the fuckin' terrifyin'. I promise you, it'll feel so much better once you do.”

“I feel fucking fine.”

“Which is why you're tryin' to mask how you're really feeling with cocaine and weed,” Rogue said softly. “We're worried about you. I'm worried about you. And no one is more worried about you than Bobby. Come on, Johnny. He can't lose the fire to his ice.”

John tried to speak, but a sob came out instead. Rogue stood up and climbed onto the bed properly, curling up along John's back, careful not to touch any skin on skin. She wrapped an arm around his waist, and pulled him back against her. “Let it out, Johnny. Let it out.”

John gave into the tears that had been threatening for weeks, maybe months, maybe years. He didn't know. Maybe they'd been threatening all his life. But something about that moment with Rogue made them finally come, and he cried until he couldn't cry anymore, Rogue whispering soft words to him while he did.

When Bobby walked into the room after his class, he frowned at the vial of cocaine in the middle of the floor and picked it up. He looked over at John to find him sound asleep, Rogue curled up behind him. “Am I interrupting something?”

Rogue just shook her head and carefully climbed off the bed. “I tried talkin' to him. Told him he's got to start talkin' to people. Told him I wasn't lettin' him do the cocaine anymore. He cried himself to sleep.”

Bobby's eyes widened. “Johnny cried himself to sleep?”

Rogue walked up to him and plucked the vial out of his grasp. “I think the breakdown might have started. I'm goin' to take this and get rid of it. Look out for him, alright? I don't know how he's gonna be when he wakes up.”

Bobby nodded and Rogue slipped out of the room. He walked over to his bed and sat down on it, slinging his backpack beside him and unzipping it. He was halfway through his statistics homework when he heard John stir, so he set the book to the side and watched as John's eyes slowly opened. “Hi.”

“Hi,” John said, his voice hoarse. “Where'd Rogue go?”

“She left when I got back,” Bobby said, swallowing hard. “You ready to talk?”

John stared at him for a moment before nodding slightly. “Yeah, I think I am. Just, not right now, okay? I've got class in,” he paused and looked up at the clock, “forty minutes and I really don't want to miss this one.”

“Alright,” Bobby said, nodding. “When you get back from class then?”

John just let his eyes close again. “Maybe. Wake me up in half an hour, would you?”

Bobby sighed and reached for his book. “Sure, Johnny.”


	5. mid-october.

“He's doing coke again,” Kitty murmured as they walked through the courtyard. “I saw him sniffing a line when we were at Piotr's last night.”

“Fuck,” Jubilee said, following Kitty over to the tree that they had claimed as theirs. “I thought he promised Rogue he wouldn't do that shit anymore.”

“He didn't promise me anything. I fucking told him he wasn't doing that shit anymore,” Rogue said. “Apparently he's not listenin'.”

Kitty swung her backpack to the ground and collapsed down next to it, laying out in the shade. “I'm worried about him.”

“We all are,” Jubilee said, stretching out next to Kitty. “When's your next class?”

“In two hours,” Kitty murmured. “Why?”

“Because I think we need to stage an intervention, and Johnny's last class ends in twenty minutes.”

“Stagin' an intervention ain't gonna help anythin',” Rogue said as she sat down. “When on earth has John Allerdyce ever listened to all of us?”

“I listen to you all the time.” The girls all started as John collapsed to the ground next to Rogue, leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to her cheekbone. 

“Johnny, you're early,” Kitty said.

“Professor let us out early,” John answered, looking over at Rogue. “How's it going with Remy?”

Rogue looked over at Kitty and Jubilee for a moment before answering. “He's a true Southern gentleman. And it's drivin' me absolutely crazy that I can't kiss him.”

John just shook his head. “You know how you can kiss him. We figured that out.”

“I know, I know,” Rogue said, ignoring the interested looks on Kitty and Jubilee's faces. “I just gotta figure out how to tell him all that.”

“Shouldn't be that hard,” John said, stretching out his legs and lightly bumping Jubilee's foot with his. “Hey, Jubes, you got notes from Hutton's class? I slept through it this morning.”

Jubilee just shook her head. “You mean you were too drunk to get up and go.”

“Do you have the notes or not?” John said, irritated.

“In my bag,” Jubilee murmured. “Of all classes to miss, Sociology should not be one of them. You know there's stuff that won't be in my notes.”

“I'll go see Hutton during his office hours then,” John said, reaching for Jubilee's backpack. “Thanks, Jubes.”

“Anytime, Johnny,” Jubilee said, looking over at Kitty. “So Kit Kat, spill on Piotr please.”

Kitty flushed a bright red. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Kitty, you've been spendin' the night over there a lot,” Rogue said. “We're just curious.”

“You've been spending the night at Piotr's?” John asked. “Please, Kitty, do tell.”

“Oh leave Kitty alone,” came Bobby's voice, and they all turned to see him walking towards them. “Kitty's sex life is for Kitty alone. If she wants to share, she will. But to be perfectly honest, no offense Kitty, I don't want to hear about her having sex with Piotr.”

“I haven't had sex with Piotr,” Kitty exclaimed. “I've just fallen asleep studying.”

“Sure you have,” everyone else said as Bobby sat down next to Rogue. 

Kitty flushed an even brighter red, and Bobby shook his head. “Leave her alone, guys.”

“Who are you, the fucking police?” John asked. “We always tease people about boyfriends and girlfriends.”

“That was when we were in high school,” Bobby said as he reached into his backpack. “This is college, Johnny. It's time to grow up.”

John just shook his head. “Are you trying to say that I'm not fucking grown up?”

“I'm trying to say that you drink too much, you smoke too much, and I'm sick of little glass vials ending up all over the room,” Bobby snapped. “You need some help, Johnny.”

“Don't fucking tell me what I need,” John said. “I swear to God, I'm starting to think the worst thing about college is that I still have to room with you.”

The girls all looked over at Bobby, and Rogue put a gloved hand on his knee. “Johnny, don't say shit like that.”

“Don't fucking tell me what I can say, Rogue,” John said, sighing. “Look, this is who I am. If you all don't like it, find yourselves another friend.”

Bobby swallowed hard. “You were so happy about us rooming together here,” he murmured. “You were glad that you didn't have to room with a stranger.”

“Yeah, well, that was before you turned our room into the fucking Spanish Inquisition,” John said. “Look, I'm glad you're my roommate. But seriously, you guys need to lay off the fucking questions.”

“You said you were ready to talk,” Bobby said. “That was a month ago.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I'm not,” John replied. “Maybe I never will be.”

“Johnny, you've got to talk sometime,” Jubilee said. “You're self-destructing.”

“Trust me, none of you wants to know my shit,” John murmured. “And I am not self-destructing.”

Rogue reached into John's backpack and pulled out a bottle of vodka. “Which is exactly why you're takin' this to class with you.”

“Put it in a water bottle and no one can tell the difference,” John said, grabbing the bottle back. “Come on. You all know I like to drink and I like to smoke. It's not like this is anything new.”

“The cocaine is,” Kitty pointed out.

“So I'm experimenting.”

“Self-destructing,” Jubilee said.

“Fuck off, Jubes,” John shot back. “In fact, all of you can fuck off.”

Rogue just sighed and and smacked John on the back of the head. “You're breaking rule number one of our friendship.”

“Yeah, well, you all are being assholes, so I think I have the right.”

“We're not being assholes, Johnny. We're just worried about you,” Bobby said softy, and John looked over at him.

“Well, I'm telling you that there's nothing to worry about.” John couldn't help but notice that amongst the hurt and worry in Bobby's eyes was that other thing he'd yet to identify. It was always there when Bobby talked to him these days, and he really needed to figure out what it was.

“Are you fucking kidding? There's everything in the world to be worried about,” Jubilee said, drawing John's attention away from Bobby. “Now we know that you're not only drinking, you're drinking in fucking class! I don't even know how you're getting all this alcohol since we're all underage, but for fuck's sake Johnny, you've got to stop it before you ruin your life.”

“I am not fucking ruining my life!” John exclaimed. “If any of you knew the truth, you'd understand!”

“Then tell us the truth,” Rogue said. “Simple as that. You want us to understand, you've got to talk.”

John sighed heavily. “Fine, I'll think about it. Is that fair enough?”

“Yes,” everyone said, and John reached into his bag for the bottle of vodka. 

“Anyone want a sip? Lord knows I need one after that fucking conversation.”

They all watched as John took the cap off and tipped the bottle towards his mouth, taking a large sip. Rogue held out her hand after he was done, and John handed her the bottle. Rogue took a long sip from it before offering the bottle of Bobby.

“You want a sip, Bobby?” Rogue asked. “It's good vodka.”

Bobby stared at the bottle for a moment. “Only if Kitty and Jubilee have one too.”

“I'm all for it,” Jubilee said. “My classes are done for the day.”

“Mine aren't,” Kitty said. “Ah, hell, why not? It's not like we don't drink at Piotr's. Oh, and he invited us over again on Friday night. He says he knows a guy who can get us fake IDs so we can go clubbing with him.”

“Fuck yes,” John said, grinning. “Fake IDs are a great idea.”

Kitty and Jubilee shared a look before they both sat up. “Alright, let's get drunk,” Jubilee said. “It's a better idea than doing homework.”

“You can say that again,” Kitty said, nodding at Bobby. “You first, Iceman.”

Bobby took the bottle from Rogue and took a short sip, grimacing as he pulled the bottle away. “Ugh, that's disgusting.”

“You won't be saying that after a few sips,” John laughed as he laid down. “Getting drunk in the courtyard. We should do this more often.”

The rest of them shared a look before Bobby passed the bottle to Kitty. “Alright girls, your turn.”

Kitty looked over at John and sighed before taking a sip and passing it to Jubilee. They were worried, all of them, and she knew that the explosion was coming. The only thing she didn't know was how many pieces it would leave John in, and how they would ever put him back together.


	6. mid-november.

John really didn't want to talk to Bobby, because that meant having to admit that the foundation of their relationship was built on a bed of lies. Tiny, white slips of words mixed in with thick, black chunks of conversations, all of them painted with false pretenses. It had been easy in the beginning, slipping the lies into the getting to know you bullshit, because the guy he was talking to wouldn't know him for long. He'd fully intended on leaving the mansion once he got some control over his powers, heading out into the world to find a life he actually wanted to live. And then things happened to change all of those plans.

He fell in love with the mansion. He fell in love with his friends.

He fell in love with Bobby Drake.

So now he was sitting there, six years after he first met Bobby Drake at two-thirty in the morning on some weekday, staring at Bobby across the room and having absolutely no idea how to tell him all the things he'd lied about.

“Johnny?” Bobby prompted. “Come on, you've been saying you're ready to talk for almost two months now. We all know you've gotten yourself back on the cocaine – Kitty caught you sniffing a line in Piotr's bathroom – and you've pretty much been drunk ever since that day Rogue was here and we're all so worried, Johnny. This is your last chance to talk on your own before we call in the big guns.”

“The big guns?” John asked, amused. “Is that what we're calling them now?”

“It is when it comes to you,” Bobby said seriously. “Out with it. Or at least part of it. You've got to start talking, or we're calling the Professor.”

“You should call Storm,” John said bitterly. “She already knows the truth. I'm sure she'd be glad to fill you in and spread the pity around.”

Bobby sighed, exasperated. “No one is going to pity you, John Allerdyce. We just know that you are never going to be able to have anything but a destructive lifestyle unless you talk to someone about everything you're keeping locked up inside of you.”

“What do you want to know, Drake?” John spit out. “You want to know how my father first hit me when I could barely walk? That I had to lie and lie and lie all throughout childhood about falling off my bike and shit like that to explain away broken bones? That I watched him drag my mother down the hall by her hair when I was six, and when I tried to stop it, he knocked me unconscious? That he came into my room late at night and shoved his dick in my mouth until he came? And that was all the stuff that happened before I manifested. Do you want to know that if I had it my way, I'd go to where they are right now and burn the fucking house down with them inside it? Is that what you want to hear?”

Bobby climbed off his bed and John thought that he'd finally done it. He'd finally said enough of the truth to make Bobby Drake turn away from him and leave him alone and that's all he'd ever be. Alone. 

And then Bobby sat down on the bed next to John, pulled him into an embrace, and buried his head in John's neck. John swallowed hard and just let himself be hugged until he felt the wetness on his neck, and he forced Bobby away from him. “Are you crying?”

“All of the things you said...” Bobby sniffled. “Oh Johnny, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. So, so sorry.”

“I don't want your fucking pity, Drake.”

“It's not pity, Johnny,” Bobby said, looking him straight in the eyes. “It's pain. It's painful to hear about. I can't even imagine how painful it was to live it.”

John stared at him for a moment before leaning back onto the bed. “You really don't want to know.”

“Yes, Johnny, I do,” Bobby said, nudging him. “Move over.”

John moved over and Bobby laid down next to him, just like they used to do at the mansion on nights when they both couldn't sleep. “I'm scared, Bobby.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of what everyone's going to think when they find it all out,” John said quietly. “You can't learn these things and not change your perception of me.”

“Johnny, if anything, it's going to make everyone love you more,” Bobby said, reaching out and tangling his fingers with John's. “There's nothing to be scared of.”

John swallowed hard and glanced down at where their hands were joined. “I don't know where to start.”

“Start at the beginning?” Bobby suggested. “And just keep talking. It's a Saturday, there's no classes to interrupt us, and the girls are out shopping for something for Rogue to wear on her next date with Remy. I won't interrupt you either. Just get it all out.”

“At my pace,” John said. “No prompting if I stop for awhile, or convincing me to go on if I tell you that I'm ready to stop.”

“Deal.”

John took a deep breath, Bobby squeezed his hand, and then he started talking. He started with the very first memory he had, of playing with his father in the backyard until he did something to anger him, he still didn't know what, and that was the first time his father slapped him across the face. It was not the last. 

He kept talking and talking and talking. The first time he was thrown down the stairs. The first broken bone he had to lie to the emergency room doctor about. The first time his father brought his secretary home, and how she tried to coax him into conversation when all he could hear was the yelling in the kitchen, and then the thud that meant his mother had been hit and collapsed into a wall. The time his father had told him that he hated him, loathed him, that he disgusted him, and that was before he had manifested. 

His voice was surprisingly clear, and even though his hands were trembling, Bobby just held on. When he began to talk about the first time he controlled fire in front of his mother, he felt the tears come to his eyes. His mother, who had been his partner throughout all the abuse, suffering through it silently, helping him come up with lies to tell, had smacked him so hard that he set the table on fire. Once his father found out about it, John had to tell the emergency room doctor he'd been in a fight with someone to explain away all the bruises and the broken bones. After that he hid his mutation from them, but it didn't matter. They already knew he was a mutant, and the abuse just got worse. 

His voice started to shake when he talked about the day he came home to find no one there. He got into his father's alcohol cabinet, stole a bunch of bottles, ran up to his room, packed what little he could fit into a bag around the bottles, went back downstairs, stole all of the money that he knew was hidden in his father's desk, and ran away. He talked about how he went to the train station, and then went to Times Square, and then to the restaurant Serendipity. He actually laughed about that, talking to Bobby about the huge ice cream he ordered and sat there and ate, knowing that he was free from everything he'd been through.

He'd slept on a park bench in Central Park that night, and for another three nights. And then one night in the rain, sitting there drinking from a bottle of whiskey, he was approached by a man in a wheelchair who acted like he'd known John all his life, and he talked him into coming to his school for mutants.

“And then I met you,” John said, tears silently streaming down his face. “And that's the whole story.”

Bobby squeezed his hand tightly. “Do you feel better?”

John looked over at him and nodded. “Yeah, I actually do.”

“Good,” Bobby said, reaching out with his other hand and wiping away John's tears. “If you'd done that years ago, you might not be so miserable now.”

“I couldn't,” John said, shaking his head. “I don't even know how I just told you all of that now.”

“I know, but you did it,” Bobby said. “And you did it sober too.”

“I know you all think that I drink and smoke too much,” John said. “But I need it.”

“No, you don't,” Bobby murmured. “You really, really don't.”

“I can't just stop,” John mumbled. “You drink and smoke too.”

“Yes, I do, but not at any time during the day when I feel like it,” Bobby said. “I do it in safe, controlled environments. You're drinking vodka from a water bottle during class.”

“I don't expect you to understand,” John started, but Bobby shushed him.

“I do understand now. But I also know that you need to slow up, Johnny. You've got a bright future ahead of you. You just have to do what it takes to get it.”

John took a couple of deep breaths. “The notebooks...you really thought that shit was good?”

“I thought it was amazing,” Bobby stressed. “Amazing, Johnny. Way better than anything else I've ever read.”

“My Creative Writing professor, he said I wrote some of the best stuff he's ever read,” John said softly. “He's been encouraging me to write more, so I took that laptop that the Professor bought me for graduation and I've started writing on it. A book, Bobby. I'm writing a book. One that I've had in my head for a long, long time. And it's flowing and when you're asleep I can barely stop writing it.”

“No wonder you always look sleep deprived,” Bobby said, shaking his head. “Are you willing to admit that you're a talented writer now?”

“I don't know,” John said, swallowing hard. “I've never been talented at anything before.”

“You're extremely talented with a lighter,” Bobby laughed. 

“That's not talent, that's instinct,” John said, shaking his head.

“There's instinct, yes, but there's talent as well,” Bobby said. “Otherwise you'd still be setting everything on fire. Like my dresser.”

John burst out laughing. “Oh God, you're never going to let me live that down are you?”

“You're just lucky that my mutation is ice, because I'm sure the Professor would have something to say about a burnt dresser and me suddenly having no clothes.”

John smiled at him. “Bobby?”

“What?”

“You're the best friend I've ever had. I never had a friend before you,” John said, swallowing hard. “I don't want anything to ruin it.”

“You're the best friend I've ever had too,” Bobby said. “And there's nothing you can do to ruin it.”

All John could think was that there was. Rogue was going to be furious when she found out that he hadn't told Bobby the truth, but he just couldn't. 

He couldn't lose him.


	7. thanksgiving break.

John looked around the room he was in with a bit of amazement. It was a significant upgrade from the room he'd shared with Bobby all those years. There was art on the walls and big mahogany bookcase for him to fill, an antique oak headboard and an en suite bathroom. The few things that he had left at the mansion were already moved in, set in different places around the room to make it feel like it was really his.

And, he supposed, now it was.

He'd been expecting to move back into his old shared room when they all came back to the mansion for the Thanksgiving break, but the Professor had met them in the entry way and then personally escorted each of them to their new rooms. They were no longer students, he said. They had graduated to the next level, and for that, they got their own rooms.

Bobby's room was across the hall. Jubilee was to his right, Rogue to his left. Kitty was across the hall from Jubilee, to Bobby's left. Piotr was across from Rogue, to Bobby's right. Jean, Scott, Storm, Logan? Their rooms were at the other end of the hallway, and this area was closed off to students.

John swallowed hard as he sat down on the bed and thought about what it meant. It meant they were part of something now, something bigger than a school in purpose, much smaller than the school in number. They were officially X-Men-in-training, and for the first time since he realized that was what the Professor was grooming them for, John was excited about it.

He'd planned to talk to the Professor while he was here about how he couldn't do what the Professor wanted him to do, but he decided on the ride up to Westchester that he wouldn't do it. Jubilee was right; being a professor and a member of the X-Men was significantly better of a future than he had expected for himself when he ran away from his parents. He could be a professor and still be an author. It wasn't like the two were mutually exclusive. He could do both.

There was a knock at the door and John yelled at them to come in, and then the door was opening and Rogue slipped in, a soft smile on her face. “Johnny?”

“Yes?”

Rogue came over and sat down next to him. “This is like ridiculous, right?”

“Totally,” John said, looking around again. “But it's our life now.”

Rogue sighed. “Do you think that we're all goin' to make it?”

“I think the Professor wouldn't have picked us if he thought we wouldn't,” John said, wrapping an arm around Rogue's shoulders. “All you've got to do is become a kickass physical fighter, Rogue. And I have no doubt you can do that.”

“Yeah, well, that's why I'm takin' that self-defense class at Empire,” Rogue said, sighing. “It's just that all of you have powers to be really good X-Men and all I can do to someone is kill them if I touch them for too long.”

“Look, you know there's going to be times where there is hand-to-hand combat,” John said. “If you make yourself the ultimate fighter, and get the enemy down on the floor, you'll have enough time to pull off a glove and go for the kill.”

Rogue took a deep breath. “I'm not sure I can actually kill anybody.”

“You may have to,” John said softly. “We all might.”

“Do you think you could do it?” Rogue asked after a moment. “I know you'd burn your parents to a crisp if you could, but besides them, do you think you could really kill someone?”

John didn't even have to think about it. “Yes.”

“How's it so easy for you?”

“I don't know,” John said. “It just is. If I have to kill someone to further our cause, then I will.”

The door to John's room opened at that moment, Bobby, Jubilee, Kitty, and Piotr coming in. John just rolled his eyes. “Have you ever heard of knocking?”

“Oh fuck off,” Kitty said, reaching out to hold Piotr's hand. “Jean wants to take us for a Danger Room session.”

“What the fuck? We got here like an hour ago!” John exclaimed.

“She said there's no point in being idle,” Jubilee said. “I'm excited. I love Danger Room sessions.”

Rogue sucked in a sharp breath, and John squeezed her shoulders. “Kickass fighter, Rogue. Remember what I said.”

“I know,” Rogue said, standing up and looking at her long dress. “I'm not dressed for a Danger Room session, so if y'all will excuse me, I need to go change.”

“Hey Rogue, there's something I wanted to ask you,” Jubilee said, following her out the door. 

Bobby sat down on the bed next to John and looked over at Kitty and Piotr's entwined hands. “So does this mean you two are actually admitting you're in a relationship now?”

“There is no point in hiding it from the Professor,” Piotr said. “He knows everything.”

“You can say that again,” Kitty said. “He asked me in my head if it was time for me and Piotr to be sharing a room. I about died from embarrassment.”

John laughed. “Nothing to be embarrassed about there, Kit Kat. Everybody has sex.”

Kitty gave him a look. “So I suppose you've been having lots of it?”

“Not really,” John said. “Once or twice this semester.”

Bobby looked over at him. “Is that what's going on when you don't come back to the room for the night?”

“Sometimes,” John said, shrugging. “It's hard to find someone that's my type.”

“And what is your type?” Kitty asked, giving him a look that told him she already knew what his type was, and that it was a certain ice-manipulating mutant currently seated to his left. 

God, he was going to have to talk to Rogue about what the girls knew.

“Tall, dark, and handsome,” John said, grinning. “And willing.”

Kitty just rolled her eyes as Piotr and Bobby laughed. He'd shared his sexuality with the group when everyone else got the idea that he was secretly in love with Jubilee and things got awkward. That was the only time he could remember things getting awkward in the group. 

Ruining his friendship with Bobby by telling him the truth would probably split the group up for good.

“Hey, willing is a very important part, Kit Kat,” John said. “I don't want to take anyone by fear or force.”

“Duh,” Kitty said, sighing. “Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, Allerdyce.”

“And sometimes I don't know what to do with you, Pryde,” John said, laughing. “Seriously.”

Bobby laughed again. “You two are going to be the most stubborn of all the team, I can tell already. Instead of actually fighting, you'll be arguing over how to do it.”

“Um, I don't think so,” Kitty said. “In the Danger Room maybe, but in actual combat situations? No way. We'll get shit done.”

“Actual combat situations? Make it sound like we're fighting a war,” Bobby said.

Kitty just shrugged. “We are fighting a war. A war to protect humanity from people like Magneto and Mystique.”

“There's nothing wrong with people like Magneto and Mystique,” John said. “A ton of mutants feel the same way they do. We've just got to stop them when they do stupid shit.”

“Which is precisely why it's a war against them,” Kitty said, tugging on Piotr's hand. “Come on, stick up for me.”

Piotr sighed. “X-Men do a lot more than just fight Magneto and Mystique and people like them, Kitty. I'm not sure I would call it a war.”

Kitty just sighed and turned her attention back to John and Bobby. “Can you two get up so we can go? I'm pretty sure we were supposed to be down there already. Jean was insistent.”

John sighed and stood up, stretching. “I wonder what they're going to have us fighting this time. The big robots again? Like that will ever happen in real life.”

Kitty tugged on Piotr's hand and they started to walk out of the room. “You never know, Johnny. Someday big, scary robots could take over the world.”

“Sure, Kit Kat. Sure they will.”


	8. mid-december.

John was behind the register when Bobby walked into the vintage shop, and he nearly burst out laughing at how Bobby was only in a long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans when there was a blizzard raging outside. He finished up the transaction as Bobby started to browse the racks, and as soon as the woman was out of the shop, he called out to him. “Yo, Iceman, I get that you like the cold, but it's like minus twelve out there. Surely that makes you too cold.”

Bobby looked up and rolled his eyes. “I can become ice, Johnny. Completely. This kind of weather does nothing to me.”

John made his way around the counter and over to where Bobby was standing. “You looking for something in particular?”

“Yeah,” Bobby said. “You.”

John ran his hand through his hair. “It's not what you think.”

“I don't know what I think,” Bobby said. “I just know that you haven't been back to our room in a week.”

John sighed heavily. “I needed some quiet.”

“What?” Bobby asked, confused.

“I got myself a hotel room because I needed some quiet to finish the book,” John mumbled. “It's nothing to do with you, it's just me needing to be completely alone.”

Bobby looked at John for a moment. “You finished the book? That's great, Johnny!”

John scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I finished it. Now it goes to a literary agent. My Creative Writing professor said he'd help me with that. Apparently he's published lots of novels. I didn't know that. He's made me an appointment with his literary agent, and he's emailed him a copy of the book.”

Bobby closed the gap between them and wrapped John up in an embrace. “I'm so happy for you, Johnny,” he said softly. “This is amazing.”

“I am fucking terrified,” John whispered. “That book is so personal to me, and if this agent doesn't like it...I don't know how I'll react.”

Bobby tightened the embrace. “It'll be okay, Johnny. I haven't read it, but I know that book is amazingly good. You're a brilliant writer, Allerdyce. I'm sure this literary agent will think the same.”

“Thanks, Iceman,” John said, pulling back and running a hand through his hair. “Fuck, walking to the subway station is going to absolutely suck.”

“Just keep yourself warm,” Bobby said, shrugging. “I know you can elevate your body temperature to whatever you want it to be.”

“I don't want to give myself a fucking fever, Drake,” John said. “Last time I did that, I ended up in the infirmary getting lectured by Jean for three days.”

“I don't think you'll need to give yourself a fever,” Bobby said, shaking his head. “Just keep your body at an even temperature. Ninety-eight point five, Johnny. And don't try telling me that you can't do that.”

John sighed and walked back over to the counter. “You here to actually buy something?”

“I don't know,” Bobby said, flipping through the rack in front of him. “Hanukkah is coming up. I've got nothing to give Kitty. Thought that maybe there was something in here I could get for her, since I have no idea what to get her.”

John turned around and headed towards a rack in the back of the store, flipping through it before he found what he was looking for. “Here,” he said, tossing it in Bobby's direction.

Bobby caught it and unfolded it, finding a black leather and lace party dress. He gave it close inspection, noting the lace sleeves that looked like they ended at about the elbow and the leather structure of the dress, with black lace covering the leather skirt. It was girly yet fierce, and Bobby knew Kitty would love it.

“This is perfect, Johnny,” Bobby said, lowering the dress. “Why aren't you getting it for Kitty?”

“Because I've already gotten her present,” John said, walking over to him. “But I saw that and thought it looked like our dear Shadowcat, and well, you should get it for her.”

“Thanks, Johnny,” Bobby said, reaching to look at the price tag hanging from one of the sleeves. “Oh.”

“Employee discount,” John said, grabbing the dress from Bobby's hand and walking over to the counter. “Half price.”

“Johnny, you don't have to give me an employee discount,” Bobby said, walking behind him. “I can afford it.”

John just gave him a look as he stepped up to the register. “Yeah, I know you can,” he said. “But I can give it to you for half price, so I'm going to.”

“Okay,” Bobby said, reaching for his wallet as John rang up the dress. “When do you get off work?”

“Um,” John glanced over at the grandfather clock that was behind the register. “As soon as Catherine shows up to work, which should be any moment.”

“Then I'll hang out and we can go back to the dorms together,” Bobby said, smiling when John nodded. “You are coming back to the dorms now, right?”

“Yes, I am,” John said, folding the dress neatly and grabbing a gift box from under the counter before placing them both in a bag. “You have wrapping paper for this?”

“Yeah, I went out the other day and got some special Hanukkah paper just for Kitty while I was getting Christmas paper for the rest of us.”

John nodded as the door to the shop opened. “Hi Catherine!”

He heard Catherine call back to him, but John was already busy clocking out. He walked around the counter and grabbed his leather jacket, then nodded to Bobby as he walked towards the door. “Come on, Iceman.”

Bobby followed John out the door, unsurprised to find John had a ball of flame in his hand. “Keeping your hands warm?”

“I hate gloves,” John murmured. “Come on, let's get to the station. The subway has to be warmer than this.”

“Ninety-eight point five,” Bobby said, and John rolled his eyes. 

“I'm always at ninety-eight point five, you idiot.”

“Yeah, but you don't always keep yourself there,” Bobby said, reaching out and freezing the flame in John's hand, causing John to drop it. “There's a better way to keep your hand warm, you know?”

“Oh yeah?” John asked. “And what is that?”

Bobby reached out and grabbed John's hand in his, and John nearly stopped walking from the shock. But he kept pace with Bobby as they made their way around the few people who were braving the weather to walk along the sidewalk. Bobby's hand was cool, but John's hand was warming from the touch, just like his skin always did when he touched Bobby's. 

God, Bobby Drake was going to be the death of him one of these days. He'd get so hot that he would suffer from spontaneous human combustion, he was sure of it.

“Is this okay?” Bobby asked, his voice shaky, and John started to wonder what was going on that he was obviously missing.

“Yeah, it's fine,” John said, looking over at Bobby. “Why wouldn't it be?”

“I just...nevermind.” Bobby glanced over at him, and his eyes were filled with that still unknown thing that John had begun obsessing about. “Hopefully the subway isn't running late. It would be nice to be able to have dinner with the girls tonight in the cafeteria. They're all worried about the fact that you haven't been around. I'm sure they'll be thrilled to hear about the agent and the book.”

John fell silent for a few minutes. “Did you let all of them read the notebooks?”

“Yes,” Bobby answered after a moment. “It was totally unfair that Jubilee got to read them and Kitty and Rogue didn't.”

“Did they like them?”

“They loved them. I've told you a million times, Johnny. You're an amazing writer.”

“I, um,” John trailed off. “Can I have them back?”

Bobby looked over at him with a smile on his face. “Of course. I've been waiting for you to ask that.”

“Really?”

Bobby just laughed. “You don't put that much work into something so personal and then just throw it all away,” he said. “Besides, once you got all that talking out, I figured that the notebooks would be easier for you to have.”

“You haven't told anyone a word of that shit I told you, have you?”

“Not a word except for the fact that it happened,” Bobby said. “I swear it. They're disappointed that you're continuing to self-destruct, but we've all realized that the only thing we can do is be here for the inevitable fall.”

John rolled his eyes. “You guys and this ridiculous self-destructing shit. Maybe I just like doing drugs and drinking till I'm drunk.”

“And maybe that's going to derail your entire future,” Bobby said, squeezing John's hand. “You know everyone at the mansion is worried, especially the Professor.”

“Don't talk to me about everyone at the mansion,” John snapped. “And I already know the Professor's feelings on the subject.”

“Johnny, we're just worried.”

John took a deep breath. “I know,” he said softly. “You can tell everyone that I quit the coke, okay? Haven't had any since I finished off the last of my supply three weeks ago.”

“That's great, Johnny. Really, really great.”

John cleared his throat as they approached the subway station. “It's going to take me some time. And I'm never quitting the weed. I like that. The rest of it though...I'll learn to live without it. It's just going to take awhile.”

“Then we'll give you that time,” Bobby said, smiling at him. “You have your MetroCard?”

John reached into his pocket with his free hand and pulled it out. “Of course.”

“Good,” Bobby said. “I didn't want to have to deal with paying for this.”

John laughed. “Yeah, that was the last time that was ever going to happen. MetroCard all the way after that.”

They made their way through the turnstiles and eventually onto the train. Bobby never let go of John's hand. John spent the whole ride wondering why he didn't. Bobby spent the whole ride thinking he'd made the first step.


	9. mid-january.

“Come on, Johnny. We're supposed to be studying.”

John sighed and looked around the tiny dorm room before directing his gaze over to Kitty. “I think finals fried my brain. I can't do any more studying.”

“I think weed has fried your brain is more like it,” Kitty said, reaching over and smacking him on the shoulder. “Come on. You're supposed to be helping me with the French paper.”

“Bonjour. Je m'appelle Jean. Comment tu t'appelles? Ça va? Je suis magnifique.”

“You are beautiful? Stop fucking around and help me,” Kitty said sternly.

“Je t'aime, je t'aime. Je suis prêt,” John said before leaning into Kitty's side. “I don't want to write a paper all in French.”

“Then you shouldn't have signed up for French classes,” Kitty said. “Now help me.”

“Don't mind him, Kitty,” Bobby called out from the other side of the room. “He's moping because he hasn't heard back from the literary agent yet.”

“Is that what this is about?” Jubilee asked. “Because you've been a real asshole lately.”

“I have not.”

“Yes you have,” said everyone, causing John to sigh heavily.

“Well, sorry! That is the most important thing in the world to me right now! I get that book published and I can maybe drop out of this hell that they call university.”

Rogue set her book down and glared at him. “Even if that book gets published, you are not droppin' out of university, Johnny. I won't let you.”

“Oh, and what are you going to do about it?”

“Take my gloves off,” Rogue said seriously. 

John sucked in a deep breath. “Fine. You kissed Remy yet?”

“I ain't in the mindset of killin' my boyfriend, Johnny.”

“And you know exactly how to kiss him without doing that, Rogue.”

The others in the room were staring at them as Rogue's head dropped. “I'm too nervous to.”

“Do you want to practice again?” John asked, smiling when Rogue nodded. “Then let's practice now.”

“Johnny, we're supposed to be studyin'.”

“And I don't care. You've got to get comfortable with this, Rogue. I thought that was the whole point of figuring it out to begin with.”

“Would one of you care to enlighten the rest of us as to what the fuck you're talking about?” Jubilee asked. “Because I am confused as fuck.”

John slid down from the bed to the floor. “Come here, Rogue.”

“Johnny.”

“You've got lipstick on you?”

“Of course,” Rogue said, digging into her bag. “Like a proper Southern lady would go anywhere without her lipstick.”

“Then get it and get down here,” John said, smiling when Rogue set her stuff aside and sat down on the floor next to him. “Do you remember how much to put on?”

“Yes,” Rogue said softly, opening up the lipstick and running it along her lips.

Bobby set his stuff aside and moved to the floor with them. “Are you telling me that if she puts on lipstick thick enough she can kiss someone without sucking the life out of them?”

“Yep,” John said, reaching out and taking Rogue's hand once she was done applying the lipstick. “Do you remember how long?”

“I think so,” Rogue said, turning towards him. “But you squeeze my hand real tight if I don't pull away fast enough.”

“Deal,” John said, reaching out and curling a hand over her hair, pulling her to him for a kiss. 

Bobby watched with interest as they kissed, Jubilee dropped her pen on the floor, and Kitty stared at them open-mouthed. When they finally broke apart, John had red lipstick all over his lips, and Rogue was grinning. 

“I did it!”

“You did it,” John said, smiling back at her. “I told you, you just have to keep track of how thick the lipstick is and how long you kiss him. Break apart every time you reach the limit, then kiss him again. You can have a whole makeout session like that.”

“How long ago did you two figure that out?” Kitty exclaimed.

“Not that long after I got to the mansion,” Rogue admitted shyly. “Johnny came up to me with the idea and said if I ever wanted to try it out, he'd be willing. It took me about a year to get the courage to do it, but then he helped me figure it out.”

“I thought you don't like girls,” Bobby said, his voice strangled.

“I don't, Drake,” John said, rolling his eyes. “Not like that. That's why I was the perfect guy to try it with. I wasn't going to get attached, and she knew she'd never have a chance with me, so she wouldn't get attached either. All it did was give me an idea of just how deadly she can be, which is why I back down when she threatens to take off her gloves, and it made our friendship closer.”

Jubilee moved her books to the side and sat down next to Bobby, placing a hand on his knee and squeezing hard. “How did you come up with that idea, Johnny?”

“I was just sitting in Scott's class, waiting for it to start, and she was putting on lipstick, and I just thought maybe if she put on enough of it she could kiss somebody. I'm pretty sure you thought I was crazy when I first suggested that.”

“I definitely thought you were crazy, especially when you volunteered to be my test subject,” Rogue said, leaning over to rest her head on John's shoulder. “But we both know that the only reason you wanted to kiss me was because you'd never kissed anybody before.”

“That's bullshit,” John said immediately. “None of you are to believe that.”

Rogue laughed. “I'm just fuckin' with him. He was a very good and experienced kisser. Much more experienced than me.”

“Why are we even talking about this?” John asked, shaking his head. “We're supposed to be studying.”

Rogue burst out laughing and stood up, making her way back to Bobby's bed and sitting down again. “Johnny's right. I've got so much homework that I have no idea how I'm going to get it done before my next classes. God, so much calculus.”

“You picked the wrong major, Rogue,” John said, standing up and dropping back down onto his bed. “What on earth is your major, anyway? You've got the most eclectic group of classes out of all of us.”

Rogue took a deep breath as Bobby sat back down next to her. “I'm majoring in computer engineering with a minor in English and a minor in mathematics.”

“Fuck,” Jubilee said. “No wonder you're always in class.”

“Ugh, don't remind me,” Rogue said. “Remy thinks I'm crazy, but I'm just trying to be able to make myself useful.”

“Useful?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah,” Rogue said. “You know, for the X-Men. I don't think I'm actually going to end up one. I don't have any powers to fight with.”

“Rogue, honey, you know you're going to make a great X-Man, don't you?” Kitty asked, looking over at her. “Sweetie, the Professor wouldn't have you in those training sessions if you weren't.”

“That's what the Professor said,” Rogue murmured. “But I just don't understand how I can be helpful. So if I can program new Danger Room sessions, and I can teach English or math at the school, then maybe, just maybe, I'll be considered useful enough to be kept around.”

Bobby reached out and wrapped his arm around Rogue's shoulders. “Hey, you are useful. You're becoming a kickass fighter – I saw that kickboxing class you were doing when I was down in the gym yesterday – and if you get your target and kick his ass, all you've got to do is rip your glove off and finish him off.”

“Do you really think it would be that easy to kill someone?” Rogue asked, and then room fell silent. “I'm not sure I could actually take another person's life.”

“You better be prepared to,” Jubilee finally said. “You've heard Scott and Jean in those Danger Room sessions, or Logan and Storm when we're sitting around talking tactics. The goal isn't to kill, but sometimes you have no choice. I get the feeling that Logan has done more killing than the rest of them, but when he talks about it, he's right. You have to be ready for anything.”

“I think once we get in the moment, it'll be easier to do,” Kitty said softly. “I'm not the most comfortable with the idea, but I know that if I have to do it, I'll do it.”

“I think I've probably killed people accidentally before,” John said. “But on purpose, to further our cause and stop bad guys, you better believe I'll kill people again.”

“I've frozen someone to death,” Bobby murmured. “It was when my powers first manifested. I didn't know what was happening. The police got involved, but they ended up ruling it an accidental death so I didn't get charged with anything. The Professor showed up two days later.”

Everyone looked over at Bobby with surprise. “Holy shit,” John said. “You killed someone?”

“Yes,” Bobby said, looking down at his book. “And I'd rather not talk about it anymore.”

Everyone was still staring at Bobby when a loud ringtone suddenly blared out. Kitty scrambled to get her phone from her bag, apologizing to everyone as she answered it. “Hello? Hey Piotr.”

Kitty listened for a moment before smiling. “Sounds great. We'll be right over.”

She hung up the phone and looked around. “Piotr says he's got alcohol and pizza and a ton of homework to do, so he's invited us all over to eat, drink, and study.”

Jubilee grinned and started putting her stuff in her bag. “That sounds wonderful.”

The girls gathered their stuff together and stood up, Kitty reaching out to mess up John's hair. “Boys, how about you meet us at the building door in ten minutes?”

“Sounds great, Kit Kat,” John murmured, and then the girls were filing out of the room, leaving him and Bobby in silence. “Bobby?”

“I don't want to go.”

John shoved his book in his bag and zipped it up before getting up and sitting down on Bobby's bed. He plucked the book from his lap, pulled the notebook and pen away, and reached out to tilt Bobby's head up, seeing the unshed tears in his eyes. “Bobby.”

“He was my best friend, Johnny. He was the best friend I'd ever had up to that point, and when I tried to show him what I could do, I ended up killing him instead.”

John reached out and pulled Bobby to him, hugging him close. “It's okay, Bobby. You didn't know how to control it. You hadn't learned yet.”

“I killed him.”

“By accident.”

“Doesn't change the fact that I killed him,” Bobby murmured into John's neck, tears starting to fall. 

John took a deep breath and held him closer. “I know it doesn't. But you have to realize that it was an accident. You didn't mean to.”

“I know,” Bobby mumbled. “But knowing that I can do it, knowing that I might have to do it again? It just brings up memories that I don't want to remember.”

“Have you talked to the Professor about it?”

“Extensively.”

“Have you asked him to take the memory away?”

Bobby pulled back, his eyes slightly red and puffy. “He offered, but I didn't want him to. I need to carry that burden with me.”

John looked into Bobby's eyes and swallowed hard as what that other thing he'd been seeing in Bobby's eyes suddenly clarified for him. It was attraction. John took a deep breath before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Bobby's, pulling back as quickly as he was there. Bobby stared at John for a moment before leaning forward and kissing him back, longer than before. 

When Bobby pulled back, John reached out and tangled their fingers together. “You don't have to carry your burdens on your own, you know?”

“Says the man who keeps everything inside until he's ready to burst.”

“I told you,” John said. “Now you can tell me.”

Bobby nodded and squeezed John's fingers before glancing over at the clock. “We better starting heading down to the door to meet the girls.”

John stood up and reached for his bag as Bobby stuffed his books inside his. “Can we keep the kissing a secret from them? Until we figure out what it is.”

Bobby laughed. “Do you really think I was going to go run to the girls and announce that we finally kissed? I don't want that level of gossip.”

John grinned as Bobby stood up. “Good, 'cause neither do I.”

“Come on. I need some pizza to get me through this essay.”

John laughed as they walked out the door. “You need pizza, I need alcohol. And a French dictionary. God, who thought it was a good idea to have us write an essay in French about the American Revolutionary War? It just totally doesn't make any sense.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what john says in french is:
> 
> Hello. My name is John. What's your name? How are you? I am beautiful.
> 
> I love you, I love you. I'm ready.


	10. mid-february.

Bobby and Rogue were wandering around Chelsea Flower Market, admiring all the pretty blooms around them. Rogue was wearing a thick winter coat over her long dress, with a scarf and gloves, and Bobby was in a long-sleeved thermal shirt and jeans. They must have looked like the oddest pair to the rest of the patrons, but Rogue didn't care. They were here on a mission.

What to get for Remy for Valentine's Day. 

“We had a stupid exchange at my school when I was a kid where you could pay a dollar and have a carnation sent to someone,” Bobby said. “You could send red, white, or yellow, and you could put your name on it or have it sent as a secret admirer. I sent some carnations, but I never got any.”

Rogue wrapped her arm around Bobby's elbow. “I'm sorry you didn't get any carnations. But how does that help me figure out what to give to Remy?”

“I was just thinking maybe you could give him carnations,” Bobby said. “Apparently they're very popular on Valentine's Day.”

“I'm starting to think Remy's idea of us exchanging flowers was a bad idea,” Rogue said. “He's obviously going to go for red roses, which I cannot stand, and I'm going to end up giving him something ridiculously stupid that he'll wonder what the hell I was thinking about when I bought them.”

Bobby sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket, bringing up Google. A few seconds later he was looking at a list of flowers that grow in New Orleans. “Gardenias, magnolias, and oleanders. That's what you need.”

“Excuse me?”

“Those are flowers that grow in New Orleans,” Bobby said, smiling at her. “So let's find some gardenias, magnolias, and oleanders.”

“Do you think they'll have any up here in New York?” Rogue asked, turning her head to the right. “Wait, there's some gardenias!”

Bobby stopped and they headed over to that vendor, Rogue inspecting the gardenias until she picked a bunch to buy. Bobby held them for her while she paid the vendor, and then they were headed down the street once more. 

“So, what are you going to get Johnny for Valentine's Day?” Rogue asked casually, and Bobby about dropped the flowers.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh honey, you have to know that we're not stupid, don't you? We've all been able to tell that you two took your relationship to another level.”

Bobby cursed under his breath. “We were trying to keep it a secret.”

“Well, it ain't one,” Rogue said, wrapping her arm around one of Bobby's. “You know we're all supportive, right? Because darlin', we've been waitin' a long time for this to happen.”

Bobby stayed silent for a few moments. “I'm terrified about how much he means to me, Rogue. This isn't some fling to me. And I'm worried that it might be for him.”

“Well, you can quit worryin' about that right now,” Rogue said. “I've been tryin' to get Johnny to tell you how he feels about you since I first got to the mansion. That boy is head over heels in love with you. He's also just as terrified as you are about lettin' you know it.”

Bobby was silent for a few moments again. “How did you figure us out?”

“It's the way that you stare at each other,” Rogue said, squeezing Bobby's arm. “Him I've known for years, but I've only known about you for the past year or so. As for how I figured it out now, it's because you two can't stop starin' at each other's lips. Kitty and Piotr used to stare at each other's lips when they first got involved. So did a lot of the couples at the mansion.”

“How do you pick up on these things?”

“When you can't touch someone, you learn to read a person in other ways. I've sort of just mastered body language. Like, I know when Remy wants to kiss me but he can't. And I know when he wants to hold my hand before he makes his move.”

Bobby leaned into Rogue lightly. “You're too perceptive for your own good, you know that?”

“Johnny's always tellin' me that,” Rogue said, laughing. “Your powers compliment each other.”

“Well, they do say opposites attract.”

“You and Johnny are not opposites. Your powers are opposites. You two really are so alike when it comes to how you feel about each other. Thinkin' it's gonna ruin your friendship, then thinkin' you can hide it from all of us, now bein' terrified about actually tellin' each other that you're in love.”

“Whoa,” Bobby said. “Who said anything about being in love?”

Rogue stopped walking and waited until Bobby turned to look at her before fixing him with a glare. “Try tellin' me I'm wrong. Just try.”

Bobby ran his hands up over his face and sighed. “Don't tell him that.”

“I'm not tellin' anyone anything. That's for you two to do with each other. I just want it to happen faster than this snail's pace you two are travelin' on.” Rogue wrapped an arm around Bobby's arm and they started walking again. “I'm just tellin' you that I know the truth, and that Kitty and Jubes are far less likely to tolerate your slowness than I am.”

“Fuck Kitty and Jubes.”

“Bobby, we're goin' back to the mansion for spring break in about a month. The Professor's goin' to know the second we walk through that door, and he's goin' to tell Logan and them just like he did about Kitty and Piotr and he did back in the day about Scott and Jean because intra-team relationships can be tricky. But you two have nothin' to worry about. The Professor will be able to tell in an instant that you two are in it for the long haul.”

“Rogue, we haven't even been on a date yet.”

“Bobby, you two have been datin' since the moment Johnny got to the mansion. You two have never just been friends and you know it.” Rogue looked around and then pulled Bobby over to another vendor. “I see magnolias.”

Bobby waited for Rogue to pick out a bunch and then held them while she paid the vendor. They started walking again, but back in the other direction after Rogue declared that that was enough flowers.

“Rogue, you really think Johnny is capable of thinking about the long haul, let alone doing it? He's not even capable of telling me what's going on with the literary agent.”

“Johnny told me once that when he first came to the mansion, he was plannin' on leavin' the moment he got control of his powers.”

“I know that.”

“He also told me the reason he never left was because of you.”

“No, it's because he fell in love with the mansion and our group of friends.”

“No, it's because he fell in love with you,” Rogue said seriously. “The boy has been in love with you for ages, Bobby. Trust me on this one. I've been tellin' him to tell you practically since the first month I was there.”

“You mean I could have been with him for all this time?”

“You weren't ready to be with him,” Rogue said. “I told him to tell you because I thought it was a fleeting thing that he'd get over, and then he never did, so I kept tellin' him to tell you because I thought you deserved to know that your best friend was in love with you, and then once I realized you'd realized you feel the same way, I told him to tell you so you two could finally be happy.”

Bobby sighed heavily. “Can we please stop talking about this? It's making me uncomfortable.”

“Well, what do you think is goin' to happen when you two start bein' open about it?”

“I'm hopeful that it will be accepted but not talked about.”

“Then you're insane,” Rogue said. “All the teasing that Kitty gets about Piotr and I get about Remy is comin' your way.”

Bobby went to say something but Rogue stopped walking, her eyes focused on something down the street. He followed her gaze until he noticed a man in a long leather duster browsing flowers. “Looks like Remy had the same idea you had.”

“We have to leave,” Rogue said. “Now. He can't see!”

Bobby let Rogue pull him to the other side of the street, and he quickly spotted a train station. “There,” he said, pointing at it.

Rogue took one look and started walking quickly, leaving Bobby hurrying to catch up. Once they were down in the station, Rogue leaned up against Bobby and took a deep breath. “I really like him, Bobby.”

“I know you do,” Bobby said. “I wouldn't have gotten up this early to go to a flower market in Chelsea with you if I didn't know how important this was.”

“Which brings me back to my original question. What are you gettin' Johnny for Valentine's Day?”

Bobby sighed. “You're seriously going to make me answer that?”

“Yes,” Rogue said. “Come on.”

Bobby smiled. “A really expensive fountain pen and a personalized writing journal.”

Rogue grinned at him. “Excellent idea. You have any idea what he's going to get you?”

“Not a clue, but knowing Johnny, probably a bag of weed and a bottle of vodka.”

Rogue just shook her head. “No, I think he'll be wantin' to buy you somethin' nice. It is your first Valentine's Day, after all.”

“Rogue, this is Johnny we're talking about.”

“Exactly,” Rogue said. “He's been waitin' a long time to be able to spoil you.”

Bobby just shook his head. “Wanna make a bet?”

“Gladly,” Rogue said. “Five hundred dollars says he buys you somethin' nice.”

“Five hundred dollars? Where are you going to get money like that?” Bobby asked, shocked.

“I've got it, don't worry,” Rogue said. “Are we on or not?”

Bobby thought about it for a moment before sticking out his hand. “Deal.”

Rogue slipped her gloved hand in his and shook. “Excellent.”


End file.
